I am so sick to the back teeth of people arranging stuff and then cancelling it at the last minute because I am so weak, and such a mug, that I never say “Hang on, we arranged this weeks ago, you said it was okay but you think it’s all right to cancel on me because I don’t say anything, well not this time Buster…” unfortunately I am too much of a wimp and I still have that fear that if I say something people won’t like me anymore.
My friend has finally pushed me to the point where I want to say “You know what…sometimes you can be a really great friend, but then when it comes down to it you don’t have any qualms about changing plans that we have made sometimes weeks in advance at the drop of a hat and letting me down…I used to not mind, but when it’s the only thing I have made plans for and it’s something I have looked forward to I really do mind…” don’t think that would go down too well to be entirely honest, but I am getting to that stage where I don’t care!
Sometimes I make myself so mad. She is going on about “I’ve got to clean out this that and the other so that we can decorate…” she knew that she would be decorating next week so why did she make plans? And why was I so understanding? I have told her I might venture over there on my own. I am going to see this movie, the last one I saw was in July, and after all the hassle with Pirates of the Caribbean, which I never did get to see after all the plans that were made and broken and made and broken over a series of weeks because she kept on making plans and then changing them over and over again. Of course I also sat back and said “It’s okay!” then too…and even worse, “Oh, I went and saw it with Rich (the boyfriend) last night” when we finally got around to making arrangements. Well this is it. No more am I missing movies I want to see because someone else is being a pain in my arse and changing plans because it suits her.
The way that she says things you would think that I don’t have anything to do with my time apart from sit around and wait for friends to be available, it’s bloody ridiculous and I am not going to do it any more. Granted it’s not the easiest place to get to, (for all the reliable public transport I may as well live in the middle of nowhere), but the train is right by the cinema (literally 2mins walk away), it’s not ideal, BUT I would rather rely on myself than rely on people who can’t be bothered to think “I’ve made plans with her so I will stick to them…” I am not over keen on seeing films during the day (I think that having something to plan for all day is a nice thing), but because it suits other people better I always end up going to the earlier performance and then the rest of the day is spent in a sort of depressive lull because everything has been done early.
Well, her hopeful “We can do something next week” all because, of course, she is suddenly available again has just been shot down. I can’t do anything next week, I have homework coming out of my ears, I have to get an essay written about Frankenstein that has to be good (well actually it has to be great) in order to push up my grade average, and then I have to do the back reading that I have been too lazy to do up until this point (which is not a good advert for the devoted student I was at one point, but I can’t help feeling a bit blah about certain aspects of the course – especially when the name Charles Dickens is mentioned).
Anyway, I should stop ranting now and get on with things. Need to decide whether I will go to the cinema tomorrow and spend money that I don’t really really have…or if I should just stay at home, watch tv and do a bit of forward planning on the essay that is due to be handed in to college a week next Thursday (not as long as I had really hoped there, sounds a lot less time when I look at it from that perspective…just 11 days, and needs to be posted a week Tuesday at the very latest). Also need to decide whether I want to take a day off on the 17th or 20th of the month to aid in the writing of said essay. Well, just booked the 20th, figure that having the Monday will mean I either write the essay on the Saturday-Sunday and have the Monday to rest, or write the essay on the Sunday-Monday and have the Saturday to rest…of course it could well prove that I write the essay (or at least start it) this weekend and then only have to write the end of it – or proof it – next weekend…I do have to bear in mind that this is a longer essay and the requirements are different from last time.
Think that a certain person is irritated with me. Since sending off my mail saying I might go alone this weekend I have heard nothing. But I am not going to think that way, I am sick of being so desperate for friendship and approval that I ignore my own wants and needs, I am a person and I have rights (there, new mantra!).