A little soul-destruction never hurt anyone(?)

Tears, lump in throat, burning eyes, these are all signs of distress, disappointment, dismay, heartbreak, and they are all things I felt yesterday.

When things get dropped on you from a great height it’s all very well for people to say “get back up, it will be okay later on, that’s today” when inside you’re feeling as though something has just been dropped on you and a little piece of your soul has just shrivelled up and died.

Yesterday was one such day. As you know, a couple of weeks ago I went to a job interview very close to home. I felt like the interview went well, I had to do a bit of writing (I don’t think I am that bad at it) and think I answered their questions well. I have been waiting since that point to hear something/anything about whether I got the job (the first week) and why I didn’t (the second), but so far, bar a holding email sent last Friday after I contacted them directly, I have heard nothing.

To bring this up to yesterday and why it was a little bit of a soul-destroying day, I had suspicions that a colleague (who also lives in my home town) had gone for the job, but I had no proof, just gut feeling. Yesterday I found out that not only had I not got the job, but my colleague had. I knew that she was unhappy with the changes that had come about, but competing against younger people in the workplace is a bit of a crapshoot. I think that, for me at least, the way that I found out is what hurts the most. Of course I would have liked the job, but clearly it wasn’t the one meant for me and she’s now welcome to it (yesterday, admittedly, I felt very close to tears for the rest of the day and when I got home I was glad of distraction).

Unsure of how much more rejection I could take I did my utmost to avoid confrontation, doing more than meeting expectations, or opening emails that could contain anything that might be less than good news. But eventually I bit the bullet when an email came in from a company I have been trying to get a permanent job with for the last five years. Initially I was unsure that I wanted to read it on a day that had already dealt me a severe emotional blow, but I had a drink, set up my new laptop (shiny, pretty that it is) and then pushed the button. They want to speak to me. Of course, me being me, I have applied for two jobs in the company at separate times, but I believe it’s an interview for the second role (Content and social media). I just have to be my best self, ignore the wriggling feeling of self-doubt that constantly hits me and get on with it. The company already knows what I can do as I have been working with them on various freelance projects for the last 12 months.

No matter how I feel about the way the other company has treated me (and probably all other unsuccessful candidates) they must have realised that I would find out I hadn’t been selected when the girl I work with handed her notice in and mentioned where she was going. Granted, we don’t have an amazingly healthy working relationship (tbh we are like reluctant ships in the night who barely communicate as the only things we have in common are living in the same town and doing the same job, I am old enough to be her mother and she’s friends with someone who has been emotionally bullying me since January) but I was going to find out!

Oh well, tomorrow is another day (and today is tomorrow to yesterday when all the rubbish occurred), so I just need to put it behind me, get on with things, and arrange the telephone interview with a company that is well-respected, and a fantastic opportunity for me.

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